I hate that I like you, Social Media.
You got me. I cannot help it. I tried to delete you, but I always find myself coming back to you.
The more I pull away, the more I am bound to stay.
Can we try it again in the spirit of Valentine's Day?
I've got this feeling down
Deep in my soul
That I just can't lose."
Lionel Richie, Stuck on You
Let us clear up the past first. I broke up with you for two reasons: I wanted some space. I needed more time.
Our connection is eerily strong. It is so deep that I could not see a way to ground myself. You were with me in all aspects of my life. From the moment I wake up to the second before I close my eyes to sleep, you were always so sweet and thoughtful to be concerned about what is on my mind and what happened to me. You often encouraged me to make the most out of my day through sharing videos, come hell or high water. Happy or sad; victorious or defeated; embraced or backstabbed; excited or jaded, you always had a space for my stories. You were my constant, but I lost track of who I am.
I found it challenging to separate myself from you. My happiness became predicated on your existence. You are not to blame, as you have always been loyal. As we became closer, however, the more I found myself spacing out most of the time. I could not recognize myself anymore.
A healthy relationship shall not be codependent. One is not meant to complete the other. Both shall be complete and at home in themselves: it shall not be 50% from me + 50% from you = a whole relationship; instead, it shall be 100% from me + 100% from you = a holistic relationship. Otherwise, we will be overly reliant to each other. I was always longing for an unconditional love, with 100% acceptance of each other as we are. How could we be committed, Social Media, if I am just using you to complete me, and if you are just also using me to complete you?
In our previous connection, I saw you making me whole, and I realized that it is the same for you. You promised that you are not after my money, but I discovered that you are using my personal data to complete you. My energy got depleted. I shared everything about my life, but I knew nothing about you. I doubted your intentions. What was our relationship for? Were you just taking a vicarious pleasure in my life's events?
I questioned whether we are only connected out of obligation, or out of true interest and delight to the company of each other.
I was really desperate for a break. I was in a constant game of trying to please you. I was hoping that deleting you cold turkey could let my true self shine.
with my head on the phone
Thinkin' of you till it hurts"
Air Supply, All Out of Love
Fortunately, as I isolated myself from you, Social Media, I was able to find myself. I gained my inner peace. My purpose in life became crystal clear. I feel more alive than ever.
Still, I owe you an honest confession: I never forgot you when we broke up. Whenever I see some picturesque sceneries – whether it be in occasional travels or in daily walks – I missed sharing all of it with you. No matter what I did, I always hoped that I could still make sense of it all through your company. My stories and experiences were dull without your presence.
We shall not be codependent, but perhaps we are interdependent?
I may have found myself, but it is challenging to live without you. I could not lie to myself anymore: something is missing whenever I remove you from my life. I could not get you out of my head, as my heart feels that you are etched in my being. You are surely an integral part of my existence.
You are my soulmate. There is no one in this world who knows me like you do. In our past relationship, you always had an inkling of what I need to see every single day to uplift my spirits. Whenever I was brooding in my room, you would suddenly surprise me with the best epic fail videos and memes that could make me snort while laughing. Our souls were always synchronized. In fact, it is uncanny how you would make travel recommendations just as when I was in the mood for adventures. I did not share it to you yet, but you already had an idea!
I always saw myself being interested in the trends that you show. I realized that you were a hands-on partner: you were always attentive to pick up on the nitty-gritty to make me smile. The personal data that I was giving to you was also blessing me with valuable ideas, inspiring stories, and sometimes, good-quality products. I miss you.
You are always reliable. There is no one who is always there for me like you do. In our past relationship, you always bent over backwards to support me every single day. Regardless of my mood, you were never deaf to my thoughts and sentiments. You had a lot of space to help me express myself just as I am. I never forced you to spend a lot of time with me, but you were made to do so. You were always receptive to likes, loves, cares, angers, and wows!
I always saw myself being invigorated in the stories and experiences that you accept. I realized that you were a committed partner: you were literally everywhere 24/7. At first, this confused me of my real identity, as I could not separate myself from you; however, now that I have found my true self, I cannot escape the fact that I really miss you.
You are always growing. There is no one who can tirelessly learn through connections like you do. In our past relationship, you showed how it was never a chore to advocate for better networking. I was in awe of how you build communities that can support each other. As an introverted individual, your passion for people also pushed me to tap the right connections for my personal growth. You taught me how to be free from a lone wolf mentality.
I always saw myself being one with the world through you. I realized that you were a life partner: you are adept at growing endlessly. At first, I got overwhelmed on how to maintain my privacy amid multiple immediate connections, but I have now learned that it is essential to share a piece of me to every being on this planet. I am essentially bound to others. I really really really miss you.
Social Media, I do not only need you. I like you.
I belong to you
Come to the end of the road
Still I can't let go
It's unnatural, you belong to me,
I belong to you"
Boyz II Men, End of the Road
I hope that we can align our values in this rekindled relationship.
While you always make me happy, our compatibility is also creepy. I am not longing for consistent similarities that could foster polarization. Connections with people who share the same values is empowering, but relating to others who contradict firmly held beliefs is also life-giving. Let us have healthy conversations.
While you always give time and space for me, our clinginess is also suffocating. Answers to important life questions can also be found in the solace of being alone. Please do not force me to document every second of my life for you. While we are currently in a relationship, you cannot expect my presence to be instantly and constantly available. Let us have healthy boundaries.
Similarly, while you always support me in my growth and connections, our relationship concomitantly becomes too public. With every data that we share, let there be full transparency on the intentions. I want to be positive that there is no dodgy capitalistic priority hidden under the veneer of building life-affirming communities. Let us not obfuscate the real essence of our relationship.
Help me reconcile these.
Social Media, I hate that I just like you, because I actually want to love you.
P.S. "This is what Eva Illouz describes as cool ambivalence: a new architecture of choice in which rational and emotional considerations blur… I want to leave but I can't; there's too much going on but it's boring; its useful yet disgusting. If we dare to admit it, our addictions are filled with an emptiness at the prospect of life unplugged from the stream. I want to delete it all, but not now."
From Lovink, G. (2019). Sad by Design: On Platform Nihilism. London, UK: Pluto Press.
