Improv.
My strategy has always been trying to figure things out by constantly moving/taking an action. A paragon of restlessness and perfectionism, I surely am.
And I just discovered that it does not work… So, it is time for an improv!
(Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary & Thesaurus)
My idea of playing full out in the game of life was to excessively plan for the achievement of my specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-based goals; to be obsessed with the nitty-gritty of my actions; to look out for forebodings or prescient warnings that may hinder my success; and to be always on call for any detours/external factors that will require further nitpicking.
I was overthinking 24/7. My feet were always planted to the years ahead before my present soul can even catch up.
Unfortunately, I became a beast as I was trying to be the best. My overachiever blood type A+ was very brutal about the idea of wasted time, and attacked savagely for any mistakes or impending failures. It was also hostile to patience: a people-pleaser and an absolute pushover who would just surrender to anyone/anything that could contribute to an immediate favorable reputation. The logical animalistic brain must always dominate; otherwise, the beast would no longer be the best.
I always had to be doing something. My obsession with preparations dominated all aspects of my life. In fact, I would not just rehearse formal presentations but also casual conversations. I would not just think things through but also plan the right emotions to show. I would not just arrange an itinerary but also organize how each minute of a trip must pan out. My life is organized, and my vision is well-defined, but it is indubitable that I had a backward understanding of manifestation.
My actions were always forced as I strive to reach my dreams. I believed that if I know what I specifically want, it will surely be mine; and as long as I have laser focus, I have full control of what is to come. While having a bold direction is an undeniable sine qua non of an uncompromised life, my grip on outcomes became too tight. I succumbed to immature wanting. Whenever I did not achieve what I wished for, I always curse the entire universe: "Why not me? I worked so f***** hard?!"
My authentic self was buried as I chase success. I moved too fast. I was in love with the idea of exponential growth (linear growth is for slowpokes!) that contemplation became a lost art. Constantly moving made everything blurry. As I stopped reflecting, there was no avenue to realize if what I had been doing is still right. I kept on asking the how, but I ignored the why. Whenever I was lucky to have achieved what I wished for, my question to the entire universe was: "Who do I want to be next?" instead of "Who have I become?"
The more I run toward the direction of my dreams, the farther it becomes.
Should I surrender? NO, NO, NO, OF COURSE NOT. I kid you not!
The blood type A+ is still in me, so I cannot surrender by playing small. It is just time to change the way that I play the game.
Improv, I think, is the best strategy. Like great actors and comedians do, I will figure it out as I go. I will embrace the hallmark of a great performance: graceful unpredictability.
Debacles cannot just be ruled out; no matter how diligent I am, external factors cannot be fully controlled. I cannot read the thoughts and manipulate the actions of all the characters in my life. Antagonists do not magically disappear, and sneaky backstabbers could always surprise me with their presence on ill-timed situations.
It is unproductive to frantically plan for a story that is not yet final. My life, in its essence, is constantly being rewritten, so it must also be reimagined relentlessly.
Being in the flow by grace, not by force: this is how I want to live from now on .
My new idea of playing full out in the game of life is to balance logic and intuition for the achievement of my goals; to be equally obsessed with the nitty-gritty and the big picture; to be prepared for impending failures with practical (not imaginary) response; and to be always on call for any detours/external factors that will require creative improvisations.
My feet must be grounded in the present time in unison with my soul that envisions a bright future.
I do not have to curse the entire universe when I do not get what I "exactly" want. My worth and entire being is not defined by constantly achieving. I do not need to constantly "chase" my goals to access my best authentic self.
Living my dreams felt like a never-ending marathon, because I kept on looking for what I still lack. I failed to see that life has always been mine, and that I already own my dreams. It is time to let go of my tight grip on constant immature wanting that always lives in the future.
I will remain responsible for what I can control, but I will graciously surrender to what I cannot. The actual outcomes may differ from what is expected, and detours are inevitable.
Now, what I aim for is serendipity through a balance of planning and spontaneity.
There, I am sure, effortless perfection lies.
“At some point on the journey, you may reach a point where you want to ease the throttle of transformation. Not where you stop growing, but where you stop utilizing your will to affect personal change. You’re still growthful, but it’s different. It’s gentler, and it’s more about accepting what is, than changing it. You reach a place where you are more embracing of who you are, and of how far you have come, and you feel ready to work with what you’ve got. It’s important to notice this moment, if it arrives. Because there is a real peace in that tender self-acceptance. And, ironically, it may ignite the most profound change of all.” - Jeff Brown