Who am I?
This year, I have finally learned how to define myself properly.
I do not mean to write with a condescending sense of egotism; in fact, this is about how I transcended "me, myself, and I" as I delved deeper to the reality of my existence. I unexpectedly found the answer when I took the pursuit of true happiness seriously.
Words cannot fully represent the truth of the experience, but it can still point to the wisdom that is meant to be shared. Everyone deserves this profound sense of peace, albeit challenging to sustain.
When I was a kid, I would automatically have sweaty palms and anxious facial expressions during social gatherings. I felt weird and awkward, because it seemed like I was the only one who finds complexity to introductory courtesies. Deep inside, I could not answer with my name, age, address, affiliation, and hobbies. My responses were spoken half-heartedly. I was uncertain. Am I just my name? Is that fully me?
I needed to tolerate the social norm as a young adult. I silenced my oddity even if I always cringed at the thought of defining myself in the same way that netizens do in online dating sites: through ASL. I secretly used humor to curb my ego; I felt like an artificial intelligence with an automated response to "Who are you?" I AM Jomay, __ years old, female, located in the Republic of the Philippines.
If defining ourselves is a superficial matter, the advice "Know Thyself" would not have been inscribed at the entrance of the temple of Apollo at Delphi. When Socrates said that "knowing one's self is the beginning of wisdom," and that "the unexamined life is not worth living," he was certainly encouraging us to explore more, because we have been missing something.
I followed the advice of wise philosophers once I graduated from college, but I was only able to start sporadically. Questioning all that I am was not an easy task. It was hard to fuel the energy for flipping my beliefs upside down. Whenever I was in a catch-22 situation where my mind could not answer a discombobulating question, I just distracted myself through watching movies, reading fiction books, playing online games, and scrolling aimlessly on social media. My pastime was to let time pass to not feel trapped.
However, I got so fed up with my life situation that I had to double down on philosophizing my life. I constantly felt stuck whatever I did, wherever I went, and whenever I dreamt. Moments are fleeting; relationships come and go; material possessions are fads; and career successes are a flash in the pan. I could not tolerate periodic bouts of joy anymore. I could not bear seeing myself in a continuous cycle of temporary positivity which must be maintained through distractions and escapism. I am not meant to live in this planet forever, so I could not take the idea of happiness as impermanent. It should not require high maintenance to stay. My intuition told me that there is more to life than what it appears to be. La vida no es así.
I decided to embrace the discomfort of answering the existential questions that I had put on the back burner. I chose to be in this painful process than to be in the same excruciating life situation. I realized that if I was able to manage a heavy academic load for a decade, I should be more enthusiastic on getting my shit together to keep my sanity forever.
I claimed my freedom to define my life according to my own terms and conditions. I closed my escape routes. For more than a year, I cut down my consumption of entertainment shows, online games, news reports, social media posts, and even songs with lyrics. I aimlessly wandered as a flaneur in a foreign country. No one knew me, even myself.
In silence and in letting go, these are my main realizations:
1. I AM not my thoughts and emotions. I am who watches it.
I realized that I am a prolific storyteller. As I listened intently to the constant stream of intellectual and emotional chatter in my mind, I discovered many alternate versions of every event in my life. Each story is edited by ever-changing thoughts and emotions.
The formula of the "I think, therefore I am" logic of Rene Descartes is "if p, then q." The existence of q is justified by p; so, in this argument, I am defined by my capability to think. My identity would then be shaped by my thoughts. At 9:00 a.m., if I think that I am an altruistic individual who have always been bending over backwards to help other people, then that is me. However, at 9:05 a.m., if I already think that I am a selfish bastard who have always been pretending to be good for a positive reputation, then that is me. Am I both altruistic and selfish? Am I a duplicitous bitch?
The same goes for emotions. If I use feelings to define myself, I would be utterly confused of my real identity. If I feel angry, I am anger. If I feel sadness, I am sad. If I feel hopeless, I am hopeless. Giving in to all variable emotions would make me ornery.
Nonetheless, my brain is not to blame. In fact, it is truly intelligent and empathetic. It blesses me with multiple impulses to view all the perspectives of each event in my life; when I use its guidance correctly, I can pick the best story to survive.
The real me is the watcher of my thoughts and emotions. Clarity of mind is achieved as I give myself the freedom to stop chasing each voice in my head. I am not what I think, but it does not mean that I am invalidating my ideas; I am just the space to observe what is right for me to embrace. Also, I am not what I feel, but it does not mean that I am not going to express my heart; I am just the space to consider what is the right act to do. I get to pick my real own story.
2. I AM nothing, but this also makes me everything.
Honestly, I felt empty when I first realized that I am not who I think I am. When I detached my identity to my name, age, sex, location, affiliation, religion, possessions, relationships, and whatnot, my ego died. The idea of purposelessness hunted me: what is life for? What am I here for?
Once I stripped myself of everything that I know, feel, believe, and have, it was horrifying to see myself as no one and nothing. As a member of the Homo Sapiens species, I am supposed to be notorious for immortalizing my existence. I should always work hard to leave my name echoing all throughout eternity. I should be obsessed with constant movement to justify my life. I should be "someone" to prove my worth across time and space. I must leave a mark; even my grave shall be etched with my name to preserve the memories of my identity.
As a nobody, I saw myself as no different to a pen, a flower, or a cat. My status was demoted. The realization crushed me into pieces.
Nonetheless, this equality with inanimate objects and other animate beings also humbled and enlightened me. We are one and the same, so I am also everything and everyone. Life would really be pointless if all that I do is meant for my egoistic pride. In fact, I am naturally immortal, as I am bound to others. All of my deeds will have an impact to everyone across time and space. My existence does not need to be justified; it does not end with physical death. I do not have the prerogative to echo my own name all throughout eternity. My authorization is not needed to leave my mark in the world: I exist as a collective.
3. I AM not existing to pursue happiness. I always have it.
It is indeed impossible to look for something that is already a part of one's being. As I pursued happiness, I was like a dog chasing my own tail. It went in circles; it eluded me because it is in me.
In the past, my idea of joy is external. I ascribed it to successful careers, long-standing relationships, adrenaline-inducing travels, and expensive stuffs. The conditional "if-then" logic was really my favorite, but I noticed that it is a never-ending cycle of hedonic adaptation. If I get a salary increment, then I will be happy; however, once endowed, I would then be an ingrate who would be happier if I get a job promotion, a big house, a nice car, and more than a million worth of savings. It seemed like happiness continuously exists in the future.
I also did my best to expunge pain. I hated negative emotions, so I avoided conflicts, risks, and situations outside my comfort. I was obsessed with positivity that left me in denial of actual problems that must be faced. It was my habit to escape through laughter-inducing distractions. It seemed like happiness is just present in the absence of hurt, grief, and heartache.
However, when life slapped me so hard in my face, I realized that both joy and pain must be celebrated. Nothing is lost as long as personal growth is present. Life is not meant to serve me. I am not entitled to have positive experiences all the time. My attitude to every experience defines my survival. Buddha articulated it perfectly: pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. I shall reframe my idea of life as a ground to constantly learn, unlearn, and relearn.
It is only when I am thankful for all kinds of experiences that I can achieve peace of mind and genuine happiness. I do not have to be "someone" and to prove something to be happy. One is living a good life when the current self is lovingly embraced, fully accepted, and still defiantly chosen even when asked to pick a new self in other universes.
4. I AM not meant to find myself. It has always been with me.
True happiness is usually viewed as something that can be achieved when the true self has been found. While there is truth to the concept, my past approach is counter-intuitive: I kept on searching for myself outside of me. I interpreted it wrongly. I was truly naïve because the journey should be inward. In fact, my intellectual and emotional chatter will be reflected to all my external experiences.
Looking for myself outside of me kept me far from my true core. It resulted to many idealized versions of myself according to societal norms and expectations. It also left me too complacent and lazy to achieve my visionary dreams, because I normally followed the proven paths set by others. I did not give myself the opportunity to just be me.
The truth is simple yet profound: I am always in my self and will forever be me. It is just waiting for me to be embraced. I am always home.
Home is not a profession, a place, a thing, or another person. It is a state of being that remains undisturbed regardless of life situation. I am also just right here, in the now, which is the only time. I am not in a remembered past or in an imagined future. I can reminisce and dream, but I am always grounded in the present moment.
5. Ironically, I AM not meant to define myself to be me.
In the same way that happiness must not be pursued, my self must not also be confined to definitions. The more I conceptualize who I am, the higher the tendency to strive for who I shall be (which is not clearly me). The more I define it, the more I restrict it. Words cannot fully encapsulate the nature of my existence; my life shall just be lived and acted upon.
Moreover, other people's definitions of who I am must not also bother me. The more they define my being according to how they perceive me, the more they limit themselves to the truth of who I really am. It is their problem.
"Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible." - Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
In sum, happiness is contentment, and I am awareness.
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